Introducing The 5-Star Approach
|Tone: Casual, positive|
Emphasis: my effort to change me
Don’t: Ask for them to participate or do anything (except offer a bit of honest advice)
Don’t: Ask them if it’s okay
Do: Let them know to expect some positive changes
Tip: Nod your head and smile as you speak. It will reassure both of you.
- [idle chit chat] Well hey, I have some great news for you – is this a bad time?
- No? Great! I was thinking about how I could be a better teammate, and I’ve decided to enroll in a program to help me with some of my work relationships, and I just wanted to let you know I’ll be putting some intentional effort into our relationship.
- So you can expect some positive changes from me over the next few months.
- You don’t have to do a thing. I’ll just be working on improving me.
Introducing The Ultimate Relationship Question
|Tone: Interested, respectful, casual, positive|
Do: Use the exact script for The Ultimate Relationship Question
Do: Blame the program for making you ask these strange questions (not your idea).
Don’t: Get defensive, contradictory, or make excuses
Do: In response, just say thank you. Don’t explain how you’ve been working on it, or how they haven’t noticed your efforts, or how wrong they are.
Do: Pursue a number – so you can record it in the Dashboard.
Do: Also record the sidekick question “What can I do to make it better?” in the Dashboard.
Tip: Nod your read as you speak.
- As you may or may not know, I’m working on some of my work relationships. I was wondering if I could ask you for a little piece of advice on our relationship?
- Yes? Okay well this might sound a little odd, I’m supposed to ask you two questions. Is that okay?
- Yes? Okay, the first one is just a baseline question. “On a 5-star scale, how would you rate our relationship?” [half numbers are okay 1, 1.5, 2, 2.5 etc.]
- Thank you. I’m sorry I haven’t been better. I’m going to work on that.
- The second question is: “What can I do to make it better?”
- Ok. Thank you.
Agreeing on a 5-Star Experience
|Do: Keep it work related – to accomplish their and/or your team’s priorities|
Do: If they ask for something outside of healthy work boundaries, say: “Well, I can’t do that, so what else would make a 5-star experience for you today?”
Do: Thank them, let them know when you’ll have it done, and how you’ll let them know when it’s done
(even it takes longer than a day).
- Well hello [name of counterpart], I’ve been thinking deeply about what you said the other day, and about how I might improve. My program is telling me that experiences build relationships and I’d like to create some 5-star experiences for you to improve our relationship – because I do want to work up to a 5-star work relationship with you. I’d like to start out with just one for today.
- What would make a 5-star experience for you?
- What can I help you accomplish today?
- OR: Would it be a 5-star experience for you if I…
Giving The 5-Star Thank You
|Tip: This is The 5-star Approach to saying: I think you’re a good person (in some particular way). The example and the “thank you” make it specific and meaningful.|
Character Traits: Integrity, hard work, genuine care/compassion, thoughtfulness/attention to detail, sacrifice, persistence, humility, leadership, vision, attentiveness, present in the moment, positive, inclusive, clever, etc.
Tip: Use 5-star language whenever possible. It cues them that they’re building the relationship without even trying or being asked. Big points.
- Hi [name of counterpart], I just noticed how you did [action] yesterday and it made me glad that I work for a company where people exhibit that type of [name character trait]. Thank you.
- OR, [name of counterpart], I saw your message about [topic] last week and I wanted to tell you how much your [character trait] means to me. Thank you.
- OR, [name of counterpart], I wanted to tell you, it was a real 5-star experience for me when you did that thing for me/someone. It means a lot to me. Thank you.
Giving The 5-Star Apology
|Don’t: Apologize if you don’t mean it.|
Do: Think about the other person as someone’s daughter/son, mom/dad, sister/brother, etc.
Do: Offer to do things that are sustainable.
Do: Maintain healthy boundaries.
Do: Ask your boss for advice if you’re stuck.
Tip: Put recurring appointments on your calendar to remind you to do the thing you’re (re)committing to do.
- Yes, you’re right.
- I’m sorry.
- I feel bad for not being more kind/thoughtful/straightforward/vigilant
- I do care about you.
- What do you think I could do to make it better?
- OR, I was thinking that if I did [this tweak] it might be better. Would that be a 5-star experience for you?
- OR, I will think about how I can be more [characteristic] in the future, and let you know what I come up with.